The Change

Chapter 1

It is the beginning of my second month living full time as a female. I am becoming more adept in my new life every day. Getting the job really helped. Oh I am a much better machinist than I am a cashier, and machinist pay is a lot better, but I am adjusting and I can be whom I want to be now. I still have money earned as a man to use for my surgery and to take me to school to become a CAD designer. With the CAD under my belt - make that my waist cincher - my income earning ability will come back. Yep I have it all figured out. This is going to work and I will never, never look back. I can’t wait to become a "real" girl. Of course I know surgery will not make me a woman as if I were born a woman, just give me the appearance.

The light turns green and I have to think about driving again. I missed last weeks appointment With Dr. Ellis so this weeks will be a big deal. He said he may have a special program that I could qualify for and he will get the details for me. I hope that this is not some new "cure" for transsexuality. I don’t want to be cured, I want to be a woman. I’ve already missed growing up female, my teen years, my life as a young woman, if I don’t go ahead and do this soon I will miss middle age too. Nobody wants to be an "old Lady" or an old man either. Whoops! Now I’ve missed my turn. Maybe my real problem is senility.

I’m lucky today. I got a parking space near the entrance. That’s important because I am not all that comfortable in heels yet. I guess I need to loose a bit more weight. OK Open the door, turn in the seat, both feet down, your in a skirt now so keep your knees together.

Remember short steps and one foot in front of the other, not side to side like I used to do it. Legs swing with the hips. This is all getting more natural. You would think that a woman by choice would not have to train herself, but I do. I denied my female nature completely for so long that the only part of it I had left was the pain of living the lie of my outward appearance of a man.

I notice a man looking me over - I can tell by his face that he approves, probably finds me attractive. I really, really need my surgery. "Good morning" I say as he opens the door for me.

"Good morning" he says as I go through.

Now be careful of your voice I remind myself before saying "Thank you" and he goes off down the hall and I go to the elevator.

He can’t possibly imagine how much such a simple exchange means to me. It means that I am becoming the woman I was meant to be. Just the elevator ride to the fourth floor is a special experience because I am out and about and touching people and being accepted as a woman. Touching is important. Hugging and making love would be better but touching is good. The elevator stops and the door opens. Now I need to remember short steps to Dr. Ellis office, be a lady.

No pen at the sign in sheet. No problem I carry a purse now, I have two pens in it. I never had a pen when I was a man. Of course I never had bra wires digging in me either. I don’t think I will ever get used to that. When I get my implants they should probably be smaller than the D cup I am wearing now. Since I am a woman now I can read woman’s magazines in waiting rooms, this is another real improvement. I always liked woman’s magazines but felt like a weirdo reading them in public.

"Cynthia Martin" - is my new name. It’s not on my drivers license yet but it sounds good when DR. Ellis assistant uses it to call me in.

"The doctor will be with you shortly"—"Love the shoes" she says.

"Thank you. I just got them Saturday" I reply. Wow girl talk with another girl, that’s kind of neat.

"Hi Cindy, have a seat" I recognized Dr. Ellis voice behind me.

I have to remind myself to sit properly. Knees together, legs crossed at the ankles, hands one on top of the other on my lap.

"Hello Doctor" I say in my best voice. "Sorry I missed last week, I promise I will keep the rest of my appointments"

Dr. Ellis seems even more serious than usual when he begins to speak. "That’s OK Cindy. These sessions have been going very well for the last year. So let me just get to the point. I am convinced that you are a candidate for a new procedure. It is experimental so the risk is not established. This means that as far as you are concerned the risk is high."

That kind of gets my head buzzing. So I have to interrupt "Why is this for me?"

The good doctor continues "Let me finish, actually you need to tell me if it is for you".

"The university has been doing research for more than a dozen years on the possibility of a brain transplant. At first I don’t think it was even serious, just a way to get government money. Then about nine years ago a student made a discovery. He found that nerve cells could be affected by electrical impulses and set like switches. Then he found that with exactly the right voltage and in the presence of the right fluids, it is really a mixture of hormones and salt water, one nerve cell will connect with another. It then took a team of over a hundred researchers to figure out how to connect one specific nerve cell to another. With this technique in place it works like a computer. We can’t transplant a whole brain but we can transplant enough, and then reprogram the rest so that in effect your consciousness, your being as you know it can be transferred to another body. This is the kind of medical breakthrough that will separate the twenty-first century from the twentieth. Kind of like vaccines and penicillin were a very long time ago".

My mouth just dropped, I forgot how I am sitting, and in my old voice I find myself saying "Oh my God. That’s the stuff of monster movies. I really think having my balls cut off is about as much as I can handle"

"Don’t be so fast to dismiss this" Dr. Ellis interrupted "it has been successful in dozens of animals and two human patients."

I have to ask, still in shock. "Who are the people and where are they?"

DR Ellis seeming to be a bit agitated changes the subject and mostly for my own good says "First and foremost if you are going to be a woman, you always have to be a woman. Come back to your female role so that we can continue this. Even if you have an accident and are hurt your first concern is to maintain femininity. You cannot proceed along this path until you are one hundred and ten percent girl. I will not approve the surgery."

"Sorry about that" I say now remembering my posture and voice.

"That’s better. The process is actually less difficult than gender surgery. First we trace what is in your head electronically and store it in a computer. We find where your motor functions and bodily functions are. The part of the brain that is to be transplanted is located and mapped. In the actual surgery only a small portion of the brain is removed. It is then placed in the new host skull. We use the reprogramming ability of nerve cells to make the required connections in the new host. You will actually be downloaded off a computer disk. Millions of contacts are required, only a computer can do it."

I need to ask "What happens to the other person?"

"She becomes you"

Remembering that I am a woman this time "Oh my God" Neither of us says anything for a few moments. Then I have to say "Is this for real? or is this some kind of a psychological test?"

"It’s for real. It has been done. The same basic technique has corrected four spinal cord injury victims and a brain transplant has been done between two men."

"Can I meet the people that had the brain transplant before I decide?"

"No. They were both advanced cancer patients that volunteered. We know it worked but they were both only hours from death when it was done. You and Joanna will be the first healthy people"

"Who is Joanna?" I say while being very careful to maintain femininity.

"Joanna is whom you will become. She will become you. You will be as biologically complete as a born woman, she will become a biologically complete man, as you both want"

"Oh my God" I am getting very good at "oh my God" in my feminine voice. "OK so if I do this what do I look like? What is my life like? Where do I live? This is kind of beyond anything."

Dr. Ellis finally changes his expression to something more friendly and less professional and continues. "It is more than you think. First Joanna is eleven years old and she has a few problems."

"Eleven! And what problems?"

"First and worst the family situation is bad. That is the justification for transplanting with an adult. She also has the scoliosis condition from hell."

I, staying in the feminine role, volunteer "I knew a girl in High School that had scoliosis. It was a problem for her because she had to wear a brace but she did pretty well. She got out of swimming class, other than that she did everything that the rest of us did. She was in a school play. I dated her once in the eleventh grade but she didn’t like me. I think I can probably live with the brace but I don’t know if I can handle sixth grade again. This will take a little thought."

"Your getting way ahead of yourself here" Dr. Ellis says. "First consider the family situation. At eleven years old you are subject to the rule and conditions set by the mother. The father was killed in prison. The mother is a recovering alcoholic. She has had it very hard. She was raped and pregnant at thirteen, gave birth at fourteen. She works as a waitress by day and cleans offices in the evening. This woman lives in a world that you never thought of. You will be part of that world. These people came to the university’s attention because the court sent them to our psychology department after Joanna’s suicide attempt."

"Suicide at eleven?

"No, suicide at ten. She is eleven now" DR Ellis continues "These are good people. The mother was born into poverty, alcoholism, and deformity. She never had a chance. The only thing she had going for her was that she was quite good looking. The scoliosis took that away from her. She wasn’t treated for it until she became pregnant. She still has a serious curvature. However we, the committee on transplants, think mother and daughter can have a good future. The daughter’s gender identity problem is profound so it gave us the opportunity to put both of them in a well funded, experimental program where we can do a few people some real good and demonstrate a major advance at the same time."

"But Joanna is a child. I am nearly forty. This doesn’t work very well for either of us"

"She is nearly twelve and we have a long way to go here. The stakes are enormous for everyone involved. The whole university is at risk if this goes wrong. If it goes right, it is Nobel prizes and research grant money that can be used to begin some wonderful projects. Your selection hasn’t been taken lightly. If you do not agree to participate we do have other candidates"

We both just look at each other for a moment then Dr. Ellis continues. "If you have a conventional sexual reassignment procedure you will have only your own resources to rely on. If you agree to the new procedure you will be in the hands of a team of more than twenty people supported by federal, private, and corporate grant money. The operation will not cost you anything."

"When I get out of surgery I will be in sixth grade again, I will have a medical problem that I don’t have now, and I will be living as a child. What’s the mother? Twenty-five maybe? I am thirty-nine. That’s fourteen years older than my mother. It just can’t be."

"Oh their is a lot involved here" DR Ellis looking very concerned says. "The mother has had extensive counseling and will have more as we get farther along. She is starting a new job with the university, that will help her quite a lot. She hates the gender identity thing and desperately wants a daughter that is really a girl and she hasn’t had a drink in twenty months. I don’t think she is ever going to have another. Oh and with her lifestyle and her smoking habit she looks more like she is fifty.

The scoliosis problem is worse than you have seen before. Scoliosis is at least partially hereditary. Both mother and father are affected in Joanna’s case. She is in a body cast and is very restricted by it. Her problem, that will by your problem, is severe and has a lot of history. She was put in a body cast at eighteen months for spinal curvature. At four she had surgery, then graduated to a brace. When she was eight a special brace was made for her that had a halo to provide traction. A year later one of the pins caused an infection and she almost died. She was hospitalized and on an antibiotic drip for five weeks. She is in a turn buckle body cast now and that is how you will wake up after surgery."

I must say "Well I don’t know how I can turn this down, my chance to be an eleven year old pathetic wretch. Is their any good part?"

"It will be very good for you when the cast comes off. The other heredity involved is good. The mother is very attractive, and built. The daughter looks just like her. After the growing pains are completed you will be a real fox. Oh yes, you get to live twenty years of your life again. Nobody ever did that before. Remember you will be a complete female, everything absolutely natural, you can have babies if you want, you won’t need hormones."

"When does the cast come off? And ooh, when do I meet her?" I say as my head is still spinning. I can’t help thinking that this may be the way for me but I don’t want to say so yet, or even admit it to myself. "What happens to my dog ?"

"The dog goes with you, to your new life. Realize an eleven year old doesn’t drive a car or own a house. You will have to liquidate and turn it all into cash so you can put it in a trust until you are twenty-one years old. That way no one can take it away from you.

The cast comes off when growth slows down, probably at age fourteen or fifteen, then you should graduate to the Milwaukee brace. You will wear the Milwaukee at least until you are eighteen years old. X-rays and testing will determine the time bracing is needed. You may still require surgery for the installation of what is called a Harrington Rod but we are going to try to avoid that. You may always need bracing at some level. Their are all kinds of braces that can be used, depending on the situation.

You can’t meet her. We decided that in committee Monday. Joanna can’t meet you either. It’s better that way. No one gets to pick and choose how they look. This is take it or leave it on the merit of the process. I can tell you this, once grown you will hold your own in any crowd of women that you are ever likely to see."

"I just can’t get over the feeling that this isn’t real doctor." I don’t know if I said it to him or to myself. "I don’t want to become a celebrity over this, I just want to be a whole person. Does all this history making stuff put me in the tabloids ?"

"That is one of the things that could go wrong. I think the new Joanna should be at least eighteen before any public announcement is made."

"Doctor. I think I understand why I can’t meet her but if I do this I am committing to wearing casts and braces for years to come. Can I try wearing a cast first? Can I at least try a brace?"

Doctor Ellis nods in agreement and says. "Well perhaps I can put you in a Milwaukee brace. They need to put you in a cast for a few hours before they can make the brace for you. You know you will have to pay for it, their is no medical necessity and you have not entered the program yet. If you can’t stand the brace it would be better to know now. Once the transplant is done their is no turning back."

"Doctor, I think it would be a good idea. I am interested in the transplant but I need to know as much as I can first. The bracing is an important part of it. Maureen, the girl I knew in high school seemed well adjusted to the brace but she always said she hated being in it."

"Cindy our session time is over now. I can send you to the orthopedic shop on the fifth floor to get you started on the brace. It would be good to have you wearing it as soon as possible. You will feel like we are working our way into the program. I will call them as soon as we are done. You may be wearing the brace for our next session."

"Thank you doctor" I say with a bit of hesitation. " I think ."

"See you next week Cindy"

This sure changes things. I really don’t know what to do now.

While I’m out in public I better keep my mind on what I am doing. First be a lady. Well, I better go through with what I said I would do and go to the orthopedic shop. The up elevator arrow flashes and the door opens. A short ride up to the fifth floor and I hope I can find the shop.

That was easy. The whole fifth floor is the ortho shop. They have a sign in sheet too, that makes it easy I don’t need to introduce myself and explain my situation to them. I always feel like what I am really saying is "Hi, I’m a weirdo" I think it is better if Dr. Ellis does that for me.

"Cynthia Martin" my name is called after about an hour wait. "we can see you now" and an unusually attractive nurse is gesturing toward me to come in. From what I can see I am walking into another waiting room. I am handed papers to fill out and I sit down at a small table to do them. Now I wait some more, I guess this is what happens when you do things without an appointment.

The nurse, without a name, sits down with me and says "Cynthia, Dr. Ellis called me about you. I can’t get you in now but I can in the morning. If you are here by eight o’clock I will get you started."

"Who do I ask for?"

"Me"

"Me who?"

"Oh I’m sorry, I forgot my name tag today. I’m Sharon"

"OK Sharon"

"Sorry I’m so busy now Cynthia, tomorrow you should wear loose, comfortable clothing and penny loafers that are in good condition would be perfect for you"

"Thank you Sharon. I’ll be here bright and early".

So I go out to my car, This has been quite a morning. I knew Dr. Ellis was connected with the university, his office is in the university’s clinic building, but I had no idea about anything like this. I certainly want to complete the gender reassignment process but to trade bodies with an eleven year old - that’s amazing. Can it even be legal? As part of it I have a severe deformity and need to wear a body cast for years and then back braces, maybe forever. Maybe another surgery too. I’m going to have a lot on my mind for a while. Come on Cynthia quit day dreaming and get it in gear, you still have time for a salad and a little shopping before work.